Tuesday, February 16, 2010


star gazing was fun with kelly tonight. so pretty and i love it.
I'm mentally weak and i can't bear this anymore but the fights my mom and i get into have happened since 2nd grade and they are getting worsE. i Hate being here sometimes and i wish i had a family that i enjoyed being around.
I desire for that one day. i just thought i would excpress how angry i am with everything thats going on, and how easily i can feel so broken and hurt by people. I can't remember the last time i saw her laugh for longer than 2 minutes.
im leaving now, to do homework .

Tuesday, February 9, 2010

will i get in?

i just found my application for camp. mom never told me it came in.
why does this have to happen.
so upset. its been here for a week and now i have to send it in a week late.

Monday, February 8, 2010


Daddy, i want you to read this one day.
I have missed you a lot lately and it has been a while since Ive seen you.
Sometimes it doesn’t seem like that long other times it feels like you were just a figment of my imagination. Someone I made up so I would have someone to talk to, someone who annoyed me, but I loved.
I always wonder what you would say about certain things and I often want your opinion. I never realized how much I would miss talking to you because I can’t talk to
mom like I could you. It is so lonely sometimes. I understand what you ment now about being stuck alone in this house.Reality set in when I called your name and there was no response. when i realized that not everyhting around the house can be fixed. I hold on to your memory and embrace it because no one will ever take that away. I want you to know no one will replace you.
This is the first time I could write you a letter without crying. But if you knew me now you would not know the daughter you used to know. I am not the weak person you used to know. I am so strong now dad, I can do things on my own. I started a job on my own. I didn’t have any help at all. Watching you hooked up to breathing machines, and in the hospital for weeks was not fun. You woke up one day and tried to smile at me. You don’t know how hard it was to watch you motionless in a coma. I don’t know what it was like for you either though. I am sure you argued with god because you liked to argue, but you knew you were sick. The nurse said you came back that one day to say goodbye and I believe it was true.
I take care of the house now like you used to. Istill cant make the potatoes and cheese and meat like you can but I guess I will figure it out with time. I have come to find out you were right like about everything. I always said it would never happen, but it did. You told me I wouldn’t be friends with all my childhood friends and I’m not.

I always told you I never wanted to be like you. I never knew how mean it was. I hatedworking outside and doing work, but now i love it. I guess I can write somewhat decent. I have anxiety like you had I just hope that I don’t get sick like you did. I saw you suffer and I don’t want to suffer like that.

I am sorry I never did the daugther and father activity with you I regret it. I still held hope when you were in a coma. I know you could hear us. i remember i last said, i love you and you tried to say it back.
I never knew I had the strength to sit there and watch you die. The hardest thing in my life was this. The second hardest thing was squeezing your hand as I kissed you on the forehead telling you it was ok to go, that I loved you. I didn’t want that to be my last goodbye. I choose to watch you die because I would not want to be alone when I was dying. I wanted you to know I was there. You knew we were there because as you were dying a tear ran down your cheek.
Your heart kept beating after they unhooked the machines because you were fighting, until we told you it was ok to go. I think mom misses you, but she won’t say so. I blamed god forever because I prayed for you everyday, but that could not bring you back. Dying was the best thing because you don’t have to suffer anymore.
Through the bad times and the good times you were a great dad. This journey that I have been through has been hard with out you. I wanted you to be there when I got my license. I wanted you to be there when I got a job, when I get accepted into leaders club, when I started and graduated college, when i will get married, but I must do it on my own. Day to day is hard but all I can do is try. I will be something someday dadand I will make you proud. I still have my memories of you and me. The good and the bad. I can finally tell myself your not coming back. Maybe I will see you again one day, not suffering and not sick. I love you dad.

Il divo.


amazing :)) listen to these guys. so beautiful.


Im sorta kinda crazy about it. i just started really going about a month ago. but it seems to be something i can get better at. the mountains, the drive, the friends, the gear. it all is so wonderful. we went snowboarding and i thought id share a little of what wedid All of us :))

me attempting...

nate :) one of my best friends :))

it was a fun monday. went to get einsteins in lulu blue with milby and gavs. left my car keys in the jeep and now i have to somehow get them back. hehe. i miss everyone though. luckily, im going to make blankets with kelly today for retreat. :) and see friends at improv tonight. excited, heather!
happy snow day.

Friday, February 5, 2010


loving the snow! just because i dont have to go to school and do more homework.
time to catch up on lost wtih ellory.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

really bummed.

i didnt make festival choir. i made emsemble, but not what i audtioned for. it's exam week so i was already stresed ou about that and then this too. i literally walked in the hall way crying like an idiot. i coudn't help it. i really wanted to be apart of that beautiful sounding group, but i guess not all things happen the way we want them too. to get my mind off, im going to the park with kelly.
i have one more exam tommrow which is going to be very easy i hope. i didn't sleep much last night. after having a conversation with a friend of mine, i had thoughts going everywhere and couldn't seem to rest in peace. i don't know what is going on or what im suppose to be up too. i thought music was something God wantd me doing and i thought i could witness through it at my school, but i Guess theres somethings better? Its hard being patient, and knowing that everything will work out if we place it in God's hands.

My encouragement is to live life. don't expect something to greatly, because you might get dis appointed. like i did today. i know it's been hectic for alot of us recently, so just try and make the best of this crazy world.
so far, ive gotten a 83 and 85. i wonder whats next for my exams. i know i failed chem and algebra2. but, we'll see. i left my sweat shirt, at weag last night so i need to go get that.
the weather is pretty today, so im going to go enjoy that while it's here.
like on the bright side, literally.