stars

star gazing was fun with kelly tonight. so pretty and i love it.
I'm mentally weak and i can't bear this anymore but the fights my mom and i get into have happened since 2nd grade and they are getting worsE. i Hate being here sometimes and i wish i had a family that i enjoyed being around.
I desire for that one day. i just thought i would excpress how angry i am with everything thats going on, and how easily i can feel so broken and hurt by people. I can't remember the last time i saw her laugh for longer than 2 minutes.
im leaving now, to do homework .

will i get in?

i just found my application for camp. mom never told me it came in.
why does this have to happen.
so upset. its been here for a week and now i have to send it in a week late.

Dadddy.

Daddy, i want you to read this one day.
I have missed you a lot lately and it has been a while since Ive seen you.
Sometimes it doesn’t seem like that long other times it feels like you were just a figment of my imagination. Someone I made up so I would have someone to talk to, someone who annoyed me, but I loved.
I always wonder what you would say about certain things and I often want your opinion. I never realized how much I would miss talking to you because I can’t talk to
mom like I could you. It is so lonely sometimes. I understand what you ment now about being stuck alone in this house.Reality set in when I called your name and there was no response. when i realized that not everyhting around the house can be fixed. I hold on to your memory and embrace it because no one will ever take that away. I want you to know no one will replace you.
This is the first time I could write you a letter without crying. But if you knew me now you would not know the daughter you used to know. I am not the weak person you used to know. I am so strong now dad, I can do things on my own. I started a job on my own. I didn’t have any help at all. Watching you hooked up to breathing machines, and in the hospital for weeks was not fun. You woke up one day and tried to smile at me. You don’t know how hard it was to watch you motionless in a coma. I don’t know what it was like for you either though. I am sure you argued with god because you liked to argue, but you knew you were sick. The nurse said you came back that one day to say goodbye and I believe it was true.
I take care of the house now like you used to. Istill cant make the potatoes and cheese and meat like you can but I guess I will figure it out with time. I have come to find out you were right like about everything. I always said it would never happen, but it did. You told me I wouldn’t be friends with all my childhood friends and I’m not.

I always told you I never wanted to be like you. I never knew how mean it was. I hatedworking outside and doing work, but now i love it. I guess I can write somewhat decent. I have anxiety like you had I just hope that I don’t get sick like you did. I saw you suffer and I don’t want to suffer like that.

I am sorry I never did the daugther and father activity with you I regret it. I still held hope when you were in a coma. I know you could hear us. i remember i last said, i love you and you tried to say it back.
.
I never knew I had the strength to sit there and watch you die. The hardest thing in my life was this. The second hardest thing was squeezing your hand as I kissed you on the forehead telling you it was ok to go, that I loved you. I didn’t want that to be my last goodbye. I choose to watch you die because I would not want to be alone when I was dying. I wanted you to know I was there. You knew we were there because as you were dying a tear ran down your cheek.
Your heart kept beating after they unhooked the machines because you were fighting, until we told you it was ok to go. I think mom misses you, but she won’t say so. I blamed god forever because I prayed for you everyday, but that could not bring you back. Dying was the best thing because you don’t have to suffer anymore.
Through the bad times and the good times you were a great dad. This journey that I have been through has been hard with out you. I wanted you to be there when I got my license. I wanted you to be there when I got a job, when I get accepted into leaders club, when I started and graduated college, when i will get married, but I must do it on my own. Day to day is hard but all I can do is try. I will be something someday dadand I will make you proud. I still have my memories of you and me. The good and the bad. I can finally tell myself your not coming back. Maybe I will see you again one day, not suffering and not sick. I love you dad.

Il divo.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A-UdyDGCXNA&feature=related

amazing :)) listen to these guys. so beautiful.

snowboarding.

Im sorta kinda crazy about it. i just started really going about a month ago. but it seems to be something i can get better at. the mountains, the drive, the friends, the gear. it all is so wonderful. we went snowboarding and i thought id share a little of what wedid All of us :))

me attempting...

nate :) one of my best friends :))

it was a fun monday. went to get einsteins in lulu blue with milby and gavs. left my car keys in the jeep and now i have to somehow get them back. hehe. i miss everyone though. luckily, im going to make blankets with kelly today for retreat. :) and see friends at improv tonight. excited, heather!

happy snow day.

SNWO DAYS

loving the snow! just because i dont have to go to school and do more homework.
time to catch up on lost wtih ellory.

really bummed.

i didnt make festival choir. i made emsemble, but not what i audtioned for. it's exam week so i was already stresed ou about that and then this too. i literally walked in the hall way crying like an idiot. i coudn't help it. i really wanted to be apart of that beautiful sounding group, but i guess not all things happen the way we want them too. to get my mind off, im going to the park with kelly.
i have one more exam tommrow which is going to be very easy i hope. i didn't sleep much last night. after having a conversation with a friend of mine, i had thoughts going everywhere and couldn't seem to rest in peace. i don't know what is going on or what im suppose to be up too. i thought music was something God wantd me doing and i thought i could witness through it at my school, but i Guess theres somethings better? Its hard being patient, and knowing that everything will work out if we place it in God's hands.

My encouragement is to live life. don't expect something to greatly, because you might get dis appointed. like i did today. i know it's been hectic for alot of us recently, so just try and make the best of this crazy world.
so far, ive gotten a 83 and 85. i wonder whats next for my exams. i know i failed chem and algebra2. but, we'll see. i left my sweat shirt, at weag last night so i need to go get that.
the weather is pretty today, so im going to go enjoy that while it's here.
like on the bright side, literally.
:)

tonight

i saw him tonight. it was different, wasnt what i expected.
it's not easy to stay away from someone you were so close to, and care so much about still.
he brought back alot memories.
but, im different and i have remember that. i cant go back to who i was. it would be like starting back at page one. God save me, help me, restore me. This is personal, i know. I might make my own private blog, heather inspired me.
today was a good day, im going to be up night studying for exams. yay! love it.
i love you guys.

Good Old Thursday.

So today i didn't get alot done, but im going to tell myself tha'ts okay. I spent too much money on a snowboard, but i'll show you what it looks like.I'm excited to go snowboarding the next three mondays. Overall, im stoked. I went to school, it was long. Took a quiz, failed. and then got back my D Chemistry Test. Oh goodness. Gotta love it. Tommrow i hope we go see Avatar. It seems like fun! I Have alot of homework, that's why i havent had time to post many blogs.

Youth group, was great wednesday. Glad Roberto and Rachel came at the end and stopped by. Sarah pena, it was her first time. :) So stoked she is becoming a youth leader. We meet a new girl that night and she seems reallly chill.

Ramen Was very good for dinner tonight.

I'm gonna miss Rachel and Roberto. They were such great role models and I'm pratically a sister to their daughter. I know that the Lord is working in their lives very much and has great Plans for them in Brazil. I love you guys!

Well, i went to get some help with BJ today, he helped on with learning how to read music. It was wonderful to see Cara and Bj. Their wonderful. Hopefully audtions wont be too stressful. :))

Ah, exams are almost here, i better get to studying. I love that school is almost half way over. It's gone by too fast! Thankfully though! I'll post something intresting in a little.

Just a little of what described my thursday.

Thought.

Its crazy how fast people can change.over five years, yes it's alot but i cant believe seeing the impact people have on individuals.

Today was a stressful day, but a successful day.
I got alot done.I haven't written in a while one, Exams.
Stress. Stress.Stress.

Ahh, well im going to study for Chemistry. Huge tests tommrow. scared? just a little.

This life.

The weekend is here. Let's get a lot done, right?I'm with Kelly sitting in her bed, she's taking a shower and I'm just thinking of life.
How it was to How it is now. Who I was, to who I am now.
It's a drastic change but partially I'm glad. Life seems to be changing very fast. It starts with mentally. I feel the older we get, the more responsibility's are on us. We have education we need to get far in, we have a job we need to start finding, we have college and we have a future we need to start praying hard about. Friend's come and go through these years. We have ton's of memories that we laugh about and cry about. One thing about growing up i like, is it's a step closer to me fulfilling my dreams. I have a few right now.

• Go to Uganda and teach education.
  
• Work with invisible Children.
• Climb a mountain. not just any mountain. a large,beautiful one in the middle of no where.
• Travel the world.
• My mom be at my wedding.
• Get the high schooler's at my school to see they deserve Love and come to Jesus.

Dreams aren't impossible. Goals help motivate you and keep you going. If we didn't have goals, we'd be lazy. I think everyone should have a few Goals, even if it is one. It's fun reaching your goal, it builds self confidence and determination. I was talking to one of my close friends, yesterday and they got my attention.
What does God want us to be doing no matter what? And i fully believe he wants us to lead others to him. To try and show people Christ! I never really thought of it that simple. I was worried a lot about the End Times and when Jesus was coming back a lot. But yes, I'm excited for that but my focus shouldn't be there I believe. Now, I want to do everything I can to focus on others. Whats more important? Me thinking about the numbers of when this world will end? Showing others about this Jesus Dude?!

Dance.

Dance is your heart, your pulse, your heartbeat. It can represent rhytm in your life. It's an expression in time, movement, happiness joy and envy.

I love it, i love just giving all you have to God. Its's so great going back once a week to just dance freely. I went to richmond ballet tonight and took another amazing class with heather. It was stressful though, because he kept correcting me. But it's good, it will only help me. I love how dance is not about the moves, it about the passion. The emotion and the feelings, once they all build up, they just come out. It's such a beautiful piece of art that can be expressed in so many different ways.

I was thinking about what dance means and i see the word Guidance. God's will is alot like dancing.When two people try to lead, nothing feels right. The movements don't flow with the music, and everything is uncomfortable and tricky.When one person lets go a little, everything starts to flow and one person can give gentle cues.It's like two bodies become one. I feel like that's how we should picture dance. Dancing with God as our partner.Guidance. God, you and i dance. I want to let God lead my life and my prayers is that God will fully lead everyone's life.

I found some really cool pictures here, that make me Miss dance.

I love how this one looks, It's so unique and graceful.

Beauty enters the room here. I'm going to go listen to some music.

Another Slow Day.

Today was a intresting day:

after hearing scoob talk last night, i had a new urgency to go tell people about Seek. today i invited 3 people to my youth ministry on Wednesday. Only one is positive they can come. I'm starting to feel a need to let every highschool feel loved. it's not easy, but there are so many people that need to see that they are. Scoob really inspired me last night, thanks.

i saw a girl sitting by her self today, crying. i approached her, and she didn't need someone to talk to. I could see that she needed God to talk to though. My heart cries out for these kids i see in school, so depressed & lonely. Recently, ive been having alot go through my mind. College is almost here, literally. We have to decide what we want to look into, well, atleast i do. i like to have plans & goals. So today basically sucked.

My car wouldn't start this morning.

Couldn't meet scoob.

Got a B on a assignment that deserved an A.

Couldn't go to leaders club.

and got called into Work.

Today just was a plain bummer. Now i have three tests to study for. I should be thankful though and positive.

Ellory showed me a cool verse. Matthew 5:42. Really makes me feel selfish,sometimes. Yet out God is forgiving and gives us Grace.

Few things to set.

Therefore my dear sister, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give your selves faithfully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your favor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 corinthians 15:58



I've been having thoughts on my mind.

Sorta of new goals i want to set this year.

So i'll write them on here:

• Focus on the present.


• Journal every chance i can.


• Stand firm and be free with everything i do.


• Let God take over.


• Don't date 2010.


• Exercise everyday. Atleast 1 hour a day.


• Live everyday with a postive attitude.


• Don't get stressed with the horrible drivers.


• Plan ahead.

organization. start cleaning. Feed my dog.

i like it on here, its a place to expressyourself.

Day one.

Today is my first day on here.

Im a little confused, so if anyone wants to help me, tha'd be great.

I had a fun day with my girls today. They are so wonderful and precious to me.I'm so blessed to have them in my life.

Sorta makes me wanna grow up fast. seeing Gabe's and everything down town. that room that tess and i saw, was my favorite. it sorta seemed like a place for art to be done, or even a extra room to sleep in.

Patient.

Patient.

Patient.

Ah.I'm going to barnes and noble now. get a few books or more and have coffee with colin.

Well, im out for now. this is so cool, how you can chang the font and everything.

can't wait to use it more.